“I’ll do it tomorrow” translated means, “If I manage to fob you off today, maybe you’ll have forgotten about it by tomorrow.”
“I’ll drive.”Â Yes, I’m sure you will on the way there, but probably not on the way back.
“I’m leaving it there because I haven’t finished with it yet”, means, “I haven’t actually started anything with it yet, never mind finished anything with it.Â Maybe I will use it sometime in the near future, maybe I won’t.Â Either way, I couldn’t be bothered putting it away but I don’t want you to have a go at me about it.”
“I’m leaving it there because I thought you needed it.”Â Ahh, how considerate.Â If it’s a vacuum cleaner, a mop or a duster, you’re right of course, because all women need those things to fulfil them and make their lives complete.
“Have you seen my keys?” means, “Please look for my keys ‘cos I don’t really know how to look for things” (see Male Planet).
“The kids have had some fresh air” (when I took them outside to put them in the car).
“It’s OK, I’ll take the dog for a walk”Â (but only if there’s a pub on the way so I can call in for a pint).
“I’ve only had two pints.”Â Yes, of course you have, we always fall for that one.
“You look fine.”Â This might be a genuine, ifÂ unsatisfactory and unenthusiastic, response.Â However, if it’s accompanied by perspiration on the brow and general signs of nervousness it means, “I don’t really like what you’re wearing butÂ I’m terrified of saying so.Â I don’t want to upset you but I don’t want to lie either.Â I do, however, still want to go out so if I tell the truth you’ll either get changed several more times and make us late, or you’ll get upset, decide nothing looks right and say you don’t wantÂ to go out anymore.”
“Let’s have a cuddle.”Â Well, let’s face it, we all know what this one really means…