Distressed Housewife Rap

Yesterday I was runnin’ round, doin’ what needed doin’,

When school phoned me up to say, ‘Girl, your son’s head needs gluin’!’

Took him to the hospital to get it stuck and stop the leak,

The nurse already knew us and said, ‘We’ll see you again next week.’

See, eldest son is clumsy and can fall over fresh air,

But he was bleeding on his uniform and needs to take more care.


See, to cause me extra washing, is a very selfish act,

And he really must try harder to keep his head intact.

He knows that this week I’ve been doing P90X,

And that there’s a fair amount of pain in every muscle flex.

It’s a shame that housework can’t be done but every little turn

Turns my legs to jelly and makes my ass cheeks burn.


Laughter hurts my tummy muscles, unbeknown to our pre-schooler,

Who came downstairs last night and did something even crueler.

We were watchin’ ‘Africa’ (our exercise was flaggin’),

And he spied a most unfortunate bit – with two elephants shaggin’.

Hubby explained it nicely, ‘having a wrestle’s what they’re doin”,

Then we turned it over quickly, to find more suitable viewin’.


We planned on havin’ water and salad for our evening meal,

But sacked off ‘shoulders and back’ and wine and curry sealed the deal.

January was the month in which we wanted to abstain

But with three kids it’s like a marathon and we’re gonna have to train.

Tonight I’m back on it, but, jeez and ‘Aye, carumba!’

It’s gonna take a pelvic floor of steel ‘cos it’s only bleedin’ Zumba! 🙂


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