The Hell of School Holidays



A rewrite of Hotel California by The Eagles, about my feelings towards the impending summer holidays:

In the deserted school yard with tumble weed passing by,

The shadow of my impending doom makes me want to cry.

Up ahead in the distance, I see my freedom take flight,

My head pounds and my hands tremble,

It’s not a thing I can fight.

There they stand in the doorway,

I hear the school bell

And I am thinking to myself,

‘This sure isn’t heaven, this will be hell.’

Then the kids start to file out and my knees wobble and shake,

Teachers’ voices down the corridor,

Laughing, I hear them say…

Welcome to the hell of school holidays,

Such a stressful time (such a stressful time)

Time to drink some wine.

Plenty of rows in the hell of school holidays,

Six whole weeks of gloom (six whole weeks of gloom)

Find a darkened room.

My mind is twisted by panic, what the shit will I do?

I need to find a pretty, pretty beach in Timbuktu.

And we’ll have to re-mortgage just to pay for it all.

Maybe I can raise money by selling my soul?

So I called to my husband,

‘Please, bring me my wine.’

He said it’s only eight-thirty am, maybe wait until nine?

But I still hear voices calling from far away,

‘Mum I’m bored, what are we doing today?’

Repeated ’til I say…

Welcome to the hell of school holidays

Such a stressful time (such a stressful time)

Time to drink some wine.

Going ga-ga in the hell of school holidays,

You will hear my cries (hear my cries)

And see my tearful eyes.

Scrape me off the ceiling,

Pick me up off the floor.

The kids say, ‘Mum, you are a prisoner here. What’s with the tic in your jaw?’

And amidst all the debris,

The clamouring and fights,

Watching Peppa Pig on loop

I rock and wait for the night.

Last thing I remember, I was

Hiding up in the loo.

I heard the stair gate creaking,

Well there goes my peaceful poo.

‘Chillax’ said my eldest,

Bursting in, ‘I need a wee.

You’ve got all this until September,

I’m starving.  What’s for tea?’

(Instrumental)

Wot So Funee?
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18 thoughts on “The Hell of School Holidays”

  1. Hilarious! As much as I want to be longing for the school holidays and all the fun we are going to have, my thoughts are clouded by the impending doom of arguing, bickering, boredom, moaning, lack of freedom. Oh we’re miseries aren’t we?!

    1. I know but it’s hard not to be, isn’t it? If the weather’s good it’s not too bad, it’s when it rains it becomes fraught for everybody! I’m sure it will be fine…(takes a slug of wine straight from the bottle ;)). Thanks for commenting xx

  2. emma says:

    Ha ha, that is brilliant! I am currently looking forward to lazy mornings, I wonder how long it will last. x

    1. Thank you. I know what you mean; I’ll be relieved to not do the school run but then I won’t have school either and I’ll need to find stuff to fill the void 😉 Thanks for your comments x

  3. Nikki Thomas says:

    That is pure genius and oh so very true!

    1. Thank you. I’m so glad I’m not the only one that feels like this! 😉 x

  4. I shall just laugh very, very quietly for now, as in a few years, I know it’ll be me singing this!! 🙂

    1. Oh yes, enjoy it while you can 😉 Thanks for your comments hun xx

  5. CathieB says:

    I am printing this out and distributing it at the school gates. You never know….. Gareth who did the Military Wives, may take pity on us!!!!!!!

    1. Ha! Can you imagine, we could be millionaires…frazzled, stressed, crying millionaires but millionaires nonetheless 😉 Thanks for your comments hun xx

  6. Three and a half weeks in and I’m singing along with you… 🙂 #wotsofunee

    1. Ha! We’ll sing it together whilst crying into our glasses (bottles) of wine 😉 Thanks for your comments xx

  7. sarah says:

    you know i think you should get yourself singing this and get onto youtube. would be millions of hits from parents everywhere!

    1. Ha! That’s not something anyone would want to hear, believe me! I’m on YouTube already singing my version of American Pie and that’s bad enough 😉 Thanks for your comments x

  8. Nicky says:

    Love the song but as a teacher I’ve got to say I love handing other peoples children back to them for a few weeks and having fun with my own!

    1. Oh I know the feeling, I used to be a teacher and was on countdown for the holidays to hand the kids back! Hope you enjoy the time and thanks for your comments x

  9. Oh my that’s genius! I do love your lyric twists!

    1. Thank you kindly 😉 x

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