No Sense of Urgency

My children have no sense of urgency, each morning when we need to get to school;

They stand watching telly wearing one shoe, eyes glazed and a mouth dribbling drool.

They have no understanding of the concept of rushing, or of trying to multi-task.

Instead in their wisdom at eight thirty-five they’re running around in a Batman mask.

Then my eight year old kindly informs me, as we’re about to shrug into our coats,

That he needs to use my computer for research and into school that day take notes.

I try ever so gently to get him to comprehend (through teeth that are tightly gritted)

To get it done straight after school…but he just stares at me as though I’m dim-witted.

Then my four-year-old (who, I hasten to add, I really do love with all my might)

Instead of getting ready drivels on…and on…and every word he utters is absolute SHITE.

My cries of ‘Get dressed’, a million times a day and, ‘Brush your teeth’ and ‘Please let’s be quick’,

Are interpreted as, ‘Please, run around buff naked, yielding a sword that you’ve made from a stick.’

Although soap-dodgers by nature, they’re suddenly fashion-conscious with five minutes to spare

And spend an age we can’t afford posing in the mirror, carefully preening and spiking their hair.

And why choose to poo at quarter to eight, when you can hold on until twenty to nine?

The adrenaline rush as it shoots out your bum makes it completely worth cutting things fine.

And by all means eat your breakfast slowly as though you have all the time in the bastard world.

I’m sure by the time you’re ready to go from the foetal position I’ll just have uncurled.

And when you casually tell me that your homework diary hasn’t yet been filled in and signed,

I’ll take a deep breath (and a Valium or two) and try my very best to not be unkind.

And when you produce forms with a flourish that needed sending in three days before,

Don’t worry about stepping over me when I’m a rocking, dribbling mess on the floor.

Oh and it’s a bargain at just fifty quid?  Well of course I always carry around cash of that amount,

Just wait a second whilst I unroll my huge wad of notes and I’ll just count it out.

Why of course you need your full games kit and couldn’t have told me last night.

It’s right here in this screwed up letter you gave me, outlined clearly in black and white.

Well if I manage to find it at all I’m afraid it won’t be neatly ironed and pressed.

I can barely manage to find myself a top without shiny trails of snot on the breast.

I honestly want you to be keen to learn, to do well in class and in life for you to succeed

But at this moment in time there’s only one lesson to learn that will really put you in the lead.

In order to get qualifications and accolades and at school for you to do well

We actually need to physically be there each day and arrive before the bastard bell!