I woke up toÂ a house looking likeÂ it’d been burgled
UntilÂ realisation suddenly dawned on me;
My family was guilty so I couldn’t have them arrested,
However satisfying that would be.
ThroughÂ half-openÂ eyes I surveyed the scene,
Piles of dirty clothes leaving a festering trail;
I groaned asÂ my dream of findingÂ matching socks
Slowly withered and died; what an epic fail.
I slunk into the showerÂ ignoringÂ the shouts
Of myÂ kids threatening to throttle each other.
Not able to function until caffeine kicked in
I opted for coffee over being a good mother.
I fought through wet towels littering the floor, dodged
Kerplunk cupboards and lived to tell the tale,
I was shocked to find clean jeans in my wardrobe
…but a greasy stain on my jumper; what an epic fail.
I ran up and down like a blue-arsed fly
whilst my four-year oldÂ practisedÂ his ‘reading rockets’,
Cursing whilst removing clothing from the machine
that had tissues still stuck in the pockets.
IÂ searched forÂ our coats byÂ torchlight under the stairs
like bargain-hunting in some dodgyÂ jumble sale.
Then I nookedÂ toddler’s Weetabix in the microwave
and heÂ scaldedÂ his mouth; what an epic fail.
I yelled like aÂ banshee whilst drying my hair
for the boys to eat their breakfast (amongst other rants)
Until my eldest practised his skillsÂ as a stunt double
and spiltÂ Rice KrispiesÂ right down his pants.
It was thenÂ I discovered there were no other trousers,
only those in theÂ wash growing increasingly stale.
I happened upon last year’s and felt ecstatic
…until I saw the holes and trailing hems; what an epic fail.
With everyone dressed I shoved toddler’s arms into his coat
before his last mouthful he’d swallowed;
Then baby wiped his faceÂ and pushed him out the door;
an almightyÂ tantrum was what followed.
Finally placated, he got out his balance bike
but when he came to sit down he emitted a wail;
It had been raining and the soaking wet seat made him
look like he’d peed his pants; what an epic fail.
We made our painfully slow way up to school,
with a howling, protestingÂ toddler to drag,
With my dulcet tones ringing out clearly
For everyone to hear,Â just like a fishwife hag.
Despite toothpaste stained jumpers and
shortness of breath making it difficult to inhale,
We reached school in a rush and kissed goodbye
…just as the gates clanged shut; what an epic fail.
My eldest son, becoming increasingÂ skilful
at making me feel completely and utterly inept
Threw a disappointed glance over his shoulder and
AÂ woeful kind of look as throughÂ reception he crept.
I shouted after that I loved him which
probably embarrassed him on a grand scale
…then stopped to mop toddler’s snot with a tissue
Of dubious colour and age; what an epic fail.children, humour, poetry, Rice Krispies, school run, snot, Weetabix