Communication Techniques for the Under Tens

Top Ten Communication Techniques for the Under Tens (by J)

As I’m the Jedi Master at communication techniques that drive my mum WILD, I thought I’d share my top tips with you so that you can do the same (I’m generous like that):

1. When your mum is in the shower upstairs, shout up a question from downstairs.  You know she can’t hear you over the water but you can giggle to yourself as she get increasingly irate that you won’t walk upstairs to talk to her.  Persevere; keep repeating the question at the same volume, eventually working up to a shouted exchange, you shouting because it’s a laugh and her shouting because she’s FURIOUS. Continue until you can hear the blood pulsing in her temples from where you are standing.
2. Save your next question for when your mum has a mouth full of toothpaste foam. For bonus points, wait until she’s cleaning her teeth IN the shower and you’re downstairs.  She’ll be SPITTING (and not just her toothpaste in the sink).  Make sure you ask a question that cannot be answered with just one word then say ‘What?’ each time she tries to answer.  She won’t even be able to tell you off for not saying ‘Pardon?’ because, well, she’s got a mouth full of toothpaste, hasn’t she?
3. When you’re playing outside with your friends, trail in and out of the house at regular intervals asking for snacks and juice and leaving the door wide open but if you’re going to ask a question that requires an answer, WAIT UNTIL YOU’RE OUTSIDE WITH THE DOOR CLOSED.  Watch through the window to make sure she’s busy and then knock on the door and mouth your question through the glass…as many times as it takes for your mum to come outside to find out what you want.  Then tell her it doesn’t matter, you’ve sorted it out.  Oh man, she’ll go BALLISTIC.
4. On the odd occasion that you have a real life, honest-to-goodness, face-to-face conversation with your mum, lure her into a false sense of security by pretending you’re listening and then, mid-flow, cut her off by telling her ‘I know’ to whatever answer she is giving to your question.  It’ll confuse and infuriate her in equal measure that you’ve asked a question to which you already know the answer or that you’re just being a smart-arse and don’t really know the answer at all.
5. As a variation of this theme, whack her with another question BEFORE SHE’S FINISHED ANSWERING THE FIRST ONE. Then sit back and watch the fireworks, my friend.  She’ll probably make some sarcastic quip about cleaning your ears out but don’t worry about it…you won’t be listening, anyway.
6. The best thing about asking mum a question is that the answer really doesn’t matter, because you can interpret her answer any way you like.  So, for example, if she says ‘We’ll see’ you can take that as a ‘Yes’ and when she tells you to stop doing something, that means, ‘Carry on with that undesirable behaviour until my screeching reaches a pitch that will only be audible to dogs.’
7.  This is a good one.  If your mum asks you to tell your brothers something, STAND NEXT TO HER AND SHOUT IT TO THEM.  Hil-ar-i-ous.  She’ll give you a look that says, ‘Are you taking the p***?’ The short answer? Yes!
8. It’s an oldie but a goodie.  The ol’ ‘selective hearing’.  Winds ’em up like a spring!  Practice your blank look in front of a mirror.  There can’t be a flinch, a flicker, a single tiny movement that will indicate that you’ve heard or the fun’s over.  For maximum impact, ignore the first three requests to get your uniform on when you’re running late for school; if you’re lucky she’ll be so mad she’ll do a little antsy dance before she really loses her rag.
9. Ask for something to eat that you know your mum doesn’t have.  Wait for her to give alternatives and then ASK FOR IT AGAIN as though she didn’t say anything.  You’ll need to ask her AT LEAST three more times to make it clear it’s just how you get your kicks.
10. Wait until your mum and dad are having a ‘private’ conversation.  They’ll talk in ‘code’ but don’t worry, my two-year old brother could crack it.  You’ll need to rely on that neutral face you practiced earlier.  They’ll be so used to you not listening they’ll get careless and have no idea you’re storing up juicy snippets to be repeated loudly in front of inappropriate people at inappropriate times.

Grown ups are so stupid, aren’t they?