Win a weekend getaway, courtesy of DH Tours. On Friday evening, why not take your loved ones to the local Family Quiz Night where you too could fail to win the raffle, have kids fighting to tear the boots from your feet (without unzipping them first) to win a prize and then feel mortified not knowing the answers to even the kids’ questions.
Don’t travel home in the boring comfort of a car! Instead, walk in driving hailstone that hurts as it bounces off your head with three tired, whiny children in tow.
Then, bright and early on the Saturday morning (you can try to have a lie-in but take it from us, you’ll be unsuccessful), you can have a bath that WILL leak through your kitchen ceiling to drip on the members of your family standing in the kitchen.
After taking an over-zealous dog for a walk where she’ll jump up at everybody and cover them in dirty paw prints (including yourself), why not leisurely walk around Tesco until you receive a message from your friend about your God-daughter’s birthday party. Had you forgotten about it? No, no, of course not! But you’ll rush around regardless, abandoning all other items in favour of a decent present that is hopefully going to be enough of an apology.
Next, why not see your husband off on an all-day drinking session whilst you haul three kids to the party only, wait for it, AN HOUR AND A HALF LATE! Luckily it’s a house party and not taking place at a pay-per-child venue. If only you could drink wine but there’ll be no wine for you, no sirree, because you’ll be driving!
Dragging three kids round Tesco is fun, don’t’cha think? Yep, and that’s why it’s the next thing on your busy schedule! Look with your eyes, not your hands, now, kids! Come on, no need to grit your teeth, it’ll be Fun with a capital ‘F’.
As if you’ve not had enough excitement for the day, the next item on the agenda is: A FULL HOUSE CLEAN! Don’t you scrimp on that bathroom now, after all, you’re having friends round for a Girls’ Night In.
After a few drinkypoos with friends and when your inebriated husband arrives home, why not give him…a facial, of course, what did you think we were going to say? Blend lime juice, cottage cheese, yoghurt, mayonnaise and couscous to create a soothing face mask. For best results, apply it when he’s fallen asleep on the sofa. Don’t forget to have a camera ready, girls!
After going to bed at 4am, why not get up and put on a few loads of washing whilst you listen to two young children winding each other up and screaming? Then, as a family, clean out the car in the rain! Those empty bottles and month old crisps won’t move themselves, you know!
Other activities that can be enjoyed in the rain are: a dog walk; playing out on bikes; a football kick about and chasing a toddler outside in just his socks.
Then, go for a lovely country drive after your car has been freshly valeted and watch with fascination as chunks of projectile vomit bounce off the newly cleaned carpet, courtesy of your toddler. Regurgitated McDonald’s chips, anyone?
And last but not least, as you’re stripping your stinking toddler out of his puke-spattered clothes anyway, why not all get changed into your pyjamas and then you don’t have to go on any more disastrous family outings?
First come, first served! (Now can you see why it’s a ‘giveaway?) 🙂