My husband took the two older children out this morning so that I could go food shopping with our youngest in tow. Before I could go, though, I needed to get ready, which under normal circumstances takes about twenty minutes, but with my little monkey ‘helping’, took more like an hour. It went something like this:
Bathroom: ‘Zach, stop pulling the shower curtain, you’re getting your top wet.’ Pause to tuck shower curtain back in and wash baby shampoo off his hands that he’s been squirting and wiping on his top. ‘Zach, stop turning the tap on while I’m in the shower! It’s making the water go cold!’. Pause to lift him off the toilet seat where he’s been standing to reach the taps. Get back in the shower.
‘Zach, stop trying to pull the skirting board off! It’s already loose!’ Pause to try and stick the skirting board back on. ‘Zach. Zach. ZACH! Never mind pretending you can’t hear me. Zach, look at Mummy. Never mind smiling, you little monkey. Zach! No! Stop pulling the loose tile!’ Pause to remove him from the now much looser tile and start getting dry. ‘Yes, sweetheart, they are Mummy’s boobies.’
Bedroom: ‘Ta, give Mummy the hand cream, please.’ Pause to take it off him and wipe it off his hair and face. ‘Zach, don’t close the wardrobe, Mummy’s trying to see in the mirror.’ Pause to wedge door open. ‘Zach, bring Mummy’s hair bobble back, please. Oh, right, you’re putting it in your hair, are you? Beautiful!’ Pause to retrieve hair bobble.
‘No, sweetheart, you can’t put Mummy’s make-up on. Mummy REALLY needs it.’ Pause to retrieve the make-up that’s been pulled out of the bag. ‘Oh, are you helping Mummy? Get me some socks out of the drawer then, please. No just one pair, chicken. No, just one pair, please. No, they’re Mummy’s tights. Stop putting them on your head, you loony!’ Pause to put everything back in the drawer. ‘Zach, bring Mummy’s brush back, please.’
Downstairs: ‘Ta, can Mummy have her phone, please?’ Pause to take it off him. ‘Zach, where have you put Mummy’s keys?’ Frantic search for car keys. ‘Zach, get down off the table, please and STOP PLAYING WITH THE LIGHTS!!’ Pause to get him down from the table. ‘Zach, you don’t need a chair, put it back, please. Get down off that chair and stop opening the fridge. GET OFF THE WASHING MACHINE!!’ Zach, GET DOWN OFF THAT CHAIR AND GIVE MUMMY HER CAR KEYS!!’
Good job the supermarket has 24 hour opening 🙂