New Jeans

I’ve bought some new jeans.  This is how I feel about them:

I’ve had my new jeans on for four hours now
I’m gonna go to the toilet in the middle of the house
Everybody’s zipping up
I can’t zip down

Waist’s one red circle
Welts just don’t end
If they end
Will I still be able to bend?

I’m making a total fool of myself
Oh tell me
I’m making a total fool of myself

So
When I look in the mirror
Reflecting back at me someone whose jeans won’t grow
Oh That’s the crack of my bum they’ve just found
Chafing my soft undercarriage
Like a baby’s head that’s crowned

I’ve had my new jeans on for four hours now
I’d go to the loo if I could get them down somehow
Everybody’s breathing out
I can’t even fart

Not getting a hernia is my master plan
When I take them off I’ll be scarred for life
My fanny’s split in half, it’s now called a ‘fan’
Will be pulling knickers out my mouth like a magic man

So
When I look in the mirror
Reflecting back at me someone whose jeans won’t grow
Oh That’s the crack of my bum they’ve just found
Chafing my soft undercarriage
Like a baby’s head that’s crowned

I’ve had my new jeans on for four hours now
I couldn’t get to the disco in the middle of the town
Walking like I’m constipated
And can’t bend down

My bum’s not perfect but I prefer it whole
To get my shoes on my feet is my goal
And I try so hard
But I’m being sliced in half
And you know I try so hard
But I’m being sliced in half

So
When I look in the mirror
Reflecting back at me someone whose jeans won’t grow
Oh That’s the crack of my bum they’ve just found
Chafing my soft undercarriage
Like a baby’s head that’s crowned

So
When I look in the mirror
Reflecting back at me someone whose jeans won’t grow
Oh That’s the crack of my bum they’ve just found
Chafing my soft undercarriage
Like a baby’s head that’s crowned

New jeans on for four hours now
Everybody’s standing up I can’t bend down
I’m making a total fool of myself
I’m no lady I can tell

New jeans on for four hours now
Everybody’s standing up I can’t bend down
I’m making a total fool of myself
I’m no lady I can tell